I remember I used to aspire to be an architect. And even a scriptwriter.I used to spend hours in the night drawing. I like the sense of accomplishment that I get at the end of it. And I enjoy the peace within myself.

I envy deeply those who knows what they want and are driven by it. And I'm happy for those who achieved their pursuits.

I did not pursue my architecture dream because I did not do well enough in college to get into the University. And also because my family is not able to afford the fees. I gave up the dream. And in turn this taught me one of the most important lesson in life. I realised financial stability is not compromisable.  This guided almost all of my decisions in years to come. I never want to be financially insecure again.

What you want to do in life may not be what you can do best. And you may need to sacrifice what you like to do for what you need to have. You dont usually get the best of both worlds. Perhaps this is why I have been mostly unhappy. I am always ready to compromise what I like or want to do because I know I have to be practical. Also I do not have the courage. To pursue, to stand up to it, and to be able to face the failure if there is.

It was difficult for me to move away from the usual path that people take. It always seem like I am not good enough that is why I have to take a different route. So I have a stronger desire to suceed in life, to prove myself.

I tried to force myself into the 9-5 routine, work through the night, reading business books and magazines. To disappear in the faceless crowd that you see walking in the business district. To have a simple life so that I do not have to complicate my life anymore. I tried to give my child a normal stable family life but I admit now. It is screwing me up. I'm tired most of the time, unhappy, snappy and do not want people around me anymore. It seems like I am forcing myself to be someone else, it zaps all my energy out of it and it almost seems like I hate this person that I am becoming.

The is starting to fall apart. I am out of sync with myself. And this struggle has surfaced so many times before. I don't think I know who I am. I have oppressed myself so long. Maybe I am not normal. This routine is like a leash. Is this because I am on my own? Or I need some balance? Or this is a total misfit for my personality? How can I rediscover myself? Can I really be selfish to do what I want? It seems clearer to fufil a projection of myself. But that seems like another manner of escape. And I'm really tired of escaping.