haveacuppa's Xanga

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 17:24:33 GMT

如果我变成回忆 - Tank

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 13:22:51 GMT

Tired

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 21:05:42 GMT

I remember I used to aspire to be an architect. And even a scriptwriter.I used to spend hours in the night drawing. I like the sense of accomplishment that I get at the end of it. And I enjoy the peace within myself.

I envy deeply those who knows what they want and are driven by it. And I'm happy for those who achieved their pursuits.

I did not pursue my architecture dream because I did not do well enough in college to get into the University. And also because my family is not able to afford the fees. I gave up the dream. And in turn this taught me one of the most important lesson in life. I realised financial stability is not compromisable. This guided almost all of my decisions in years to come. I never want to be financially insecure again.

What you want to do in life may not be what you can do best. And you may need to sacrifice what you like to do for what you need to have. You dont usually get the best of both worlds. Perhaps this is why I have been mostly unhappy. I am always ready to compromise what I like or want to do because I know I have to be practical. Also I do not have the courage. To pursue, to stand up to it, and to be able to face the failure if there is.

It was difficult for me to move away from the usual path that people take. It always seem like I am not good enough that is why I have to take a different route. So I have a stronger desire to suceed in life, to prove myself.

I tried to force myself into the 9-5 routine, work through the night, reading business books and magazines. To disappear in the faceless crowd that you see walking in the business district. To have a simple life so that I do not have to complicate my life anymore. I tried to give my child a normal stable family life but I admit now. It is screwing me up. I'm tired most of the time, unhappy, snappy and do not want people around me anymore. It seems like I am forcing myself to be someone else, it zaps all my energy out of it and it almost seems like I hate this person that I am becoming.

The is starting to fall apart. I am out of sync with myself. And this struggle has surfaced so many times before. I don't think I know who I am. I have oppressed myself so long. Maybe I am not normal. This routine is like a leash. Is this because I am on my own? Or I need some balance? Or this is a total misfit for my personality? How can I rediscover myself? Can I really be selfish to do what I want? It seems clearer to fufil a projection of myself. But that seems like another manner of escape. And I'm really tired of escaping.

Lost

Sun, 29 Nov 2009 17:19:12 GMT

I am lost.

It was obvilous to me before. Now, I can say that I have no idea what am I doing, what am I heading for and what do I want. Perhaps I never did know myself.

It was not clear. But I have been running away. Trying to have a fresh start again, and again. I am always back at the same spot. I could not move on.

Maybe there are not many years left to keep going in circles. There are so much at stake still.

What should I do?

Gonna work in Germany!!

Thu, 21 May 2009 05:07:23 GMT

fairy tale for you?

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 17:52:34 GMT

I recalled this scene in Sex and the city movie where Carrie was reading Cinderella to Charlotte's daughter- Lily, before interrupting the story to inform her that fairy tales don't always come true, and princesses aren't always rescued.

How relevant are fairy tales today?

They used to be so beautiful when we were young - the perfect prince, the romance and the happily ever after. The world was a whole lot simpler before we grew up. Perhaps growing up in the 21st century has something to do with that. But of course we know today that fairy tales do not come true. There is no one right destined person out there to complete you, few of us may have the chance to experience romance that sweep us off our feet and happily ever after is too easy for a lifetime of marriage - if we dont opt for divorce first. Reality does bite.

Call me cynical. Expectations of such love instilled in us are most often than not unrealistic. But we carry them throughout our life, hoping that one day it will happen for us too. We built up hopes and then resigned to disappointments.

The point that Carrie made so frankly to Lily was important. The dose of reality. The child has to come to understand that fairy tales are just that - a fairy tale. Just as she will come to know that Santa does not exist.

I see the purpose of the fairy tales is to have us believe in love. And despite what I've been through, I do believe in love, and I believe sunshine will too. But no longer how love was painted in them.

Normal. What is?

Wed, 18 Feb 2009 14:54:29 GMT

Definition:
- conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural. (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/normal)

My life has been anything but "normal". The society instilled this vision of such a "perfectly normal" family that I had an unhappy childhood, struggling to understand why my family did not achieve these expectations. And subsequently a sense of loss, when I fail to follow the "normal" route of life that my peers have. It took me years to comprehend that "normal" does not mean anything. It is simply a generalisation of the majority - a grouping of common traits. And in line with human nature, we desire to be part of an acceptance.

But one size does not fit all. We are all unique in our own ways, by our choosing or not. We should celebrate our un-commonalities because we are free to be us.

Day at Hortpark

Sat, 14 Feb 2009 16:28:00 GMT

Happy V-day

Fri, 13 Feb 2009 15:10:00 GMT

happie birthday

Sun, 11 Jan 2009 13:17:30 GMT